Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jabba the Fucking Hutt

Apparently Kally didn't know that I know things about Star Wars. To be fair, I've only seen 2/6 of the movies (Episodes IV, I). I have many common references/terms related to Star Wars though. For example, I refer to Central Square as Mos Eisley since "[y]ou will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." When morbidly obese people take up more than their one allotted seat on the subway, that is known as "Jabbaing" onto me or my seat.
Below is a conversation we had this morning....


me:
i didn't sleep well last night, so i admit i'm pretty cranky but i almost stabbed 3 people on the train today

Kally: for any particular reason? or just cause?

me: oh they know what they did

Kally: let's be honest, tim. they probably don't.

me: one lady was taking up 1.5 seats on the train and refused to make an effort to not be morbidly obese another guy in front of me was goosestepping while walking thru the station and up the stairs so he almost punched me in the face every time with every stride he took

Kally:
not that i'm excusing the offense or anything, but it takes a bit of time and
concentration to become not morbidly obese. probably more than a train-ride.
...so his offense was being a nazi. got it.

me: yeah, probably, but she didn't even TRY

Kally:
being a nazi is a stabbable offense, i feel. and if you stabbed the morbidly obese woman, you would have just lost your knife.

me: true but she prolly would have lost some weight since it would just ooze out unless it's like a can of juicy juice and you need to pop open another part to have the air pressure push it out
unlucky for her i'm a scientist...lucky for her, i didn't have a fat opener

Kally: can you imagine the noise? not the popping noise, i don't even want to think about that.
but the deflating balloon noise. just a big, long, continuous fart noise.
for your sake, i hope she doesn't go flying around the train as she deflates...
except that if she did, you'd get a seat.

me: it'd sound like a whoopie cushion

Kally: a really soggy whoopie cushion...a whoopie cushion filled with fat.

me:
a whoopie cushion mixed with the sound of the gore bag from my video game [Ed. note: Fallout 3]

Kally: ew. EW. that is not ok.

me: tell her to stop being jabba the fucking hutt with my subway seat



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