Friday, October 01, 2010

Bring in the Snark (or Bringin da Snark...WORDPLAY!)

Dear pretty girl walking to the T in front of me in Somerville today,

I know you've been waiting until October 1st to wear that pumpkin-colored blouse you bought way back in April. And I commend you for pairing it with a smart, pinstriped black slack for work today. Here's the middle of the compliment sandwich: your turquoise flip-flops and copy of Atlas Shrugged. Allow me to deal with these in bullet-point form, similar to an "action item list" or whatever jargon-based "To Do List" your self-important company chooses to use (which is most likely in finance...offffff course):

a) It's supposed to pour today...all day...nonstop. You'll find that your rubber-based, open-toed choice of footwear will equal EPIC FAIL later on.

b) No one's buying it. People don't read Atlas Shrugged on a subway. People show other people that they are reading Atlas Shrugged on a subway. Unless you're some Tea Party nutbag or your last name is actually Galt or Rand or Beck, perhaps you'll enjoy Nicholas Sparks' latest yarn about two people who fall in love when they're little, are separated for most of their adult lives, and then come back together, fall in love, and one of them dies in a plane crash into the ocean being eaten by sharks....but sharks that are in love.

c) You are exactly what is destroying America. Please stop. For all of us.

Sincerely
-Tim

PS: Compliment sandwich, right. You walked quickly on the sidewalk, and I appreciate that. Although, you shouldn't be rewarded for doing what you're fucking supposed to be doing, so...backhanded compliment sandwich. BAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Science LULZ!

One megaphone = 10^12 microphones.

Science in the 21st Century

Quote of the day:

Science is not meant to be done in 160 characters or less.

That is all.

Friday, September 17, 2010

It's not procrastination....

Today's words of wisdom: Every journey begins with thinking about taking the first step.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Possible Foray into Creative Writing?

On Tuesdays in the spr-umm-all (June 15-October 26) there is a farmer's market outside my building with delicious baked goods. I went to go get a chocolate chip cookie yesterday when it randomly decided to pour for 10 minutes. I aborted the mission and came back inside. Here's the google chat that ensued:

me: a torrential downpour just thwarted my cookie purchasing
1:10 PM Kally: that is an excellent sentence.
that's the beginning of a really funny story.
1:11 PM like. in a book.
i'm not demanding that you tell me a story.

1:12 PM me: It was a dark and stormy night.
A torrential downpour just thwarted my cookie purchasing.

1:13 PM Kally: yes. exactly.
that is comedy gold.
or. you know. it could be.

1:14 PM me: It was a dark and stormy night.
A torrential downpour just thwarted my cookie purchasing. Now Livinia will certainly divorce me.
1:15 PM Or worse, send me back out in a second attempt
Cookies and I have never gotten along.
Ever.
1:16 PM Ever since my first lunch in kindergarten, when Steven Billings took my perfectly packaged oreos out of my lunch for "bully tax".
Straight through today...per usual.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Physics is EVERYWHERE!

"we are watching man v. food, and the host is about to devour an enormous pancake. he said, “I’ve never had a pancake with it’s own gravitational pull!”
Tim, the Harvard physics professor, said, “that’s not true. everything has a gravitational pull.”
duh, competitive eating show host. duh."

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Bored at work, you say?/Thank god for teh internetz/I can haz haikuz?

I was bored at work today and decided to write some haikus.

Like, I Majored in Haiku, That's How Good
i’m good at haikus
now what should I write about
hey! look what I did!


The Work Man’s Burden

it’s fucking hot out
falling asleep at my desk
fuck my life so hard

The Hot Topic Anthem
the world is so grey
raindrops like tears on pillows
brb must cut

Overrated
new york smells like pee
urban decay and hipsters
nothing but douchebags

I Need an Appointment Today!
can you fit me in?
that’s what she said, no really
she’s a wicked whore

I’ll Do Myself Later
procrastination
like masturbating
only fucking self

Nerds! Nerds! Nerds!
recursive haiku
goes around in a circle
recursive haiku!

I’m Going to Hell
ass, cock, balls, douchebag
fuckity fucking fuck fuck
tourette’s for the win

Love and Loss
the blue sky today
reminds me of your bright eyes
lost and gone for good

An Ode to Adam Wheeler
of course you got caught
classical armenian?
are you shitting me?

A Haiku Made of Metal and Brawn
it stings the nostrils
right to the babymaker
milk was a bad choice

Which is Why I’m So Good at It
fantasy baseball
statistics and trash talking
nerd version of sports

BUT I CAN’T TURN AROUND!
GPS system
Should I turn yet? Maybe here?
STOP YELLING AT ME!

Oh, and the Therapy Bills
happy parents day!
thanks for the guilt and being
passive aggressive

Bourbon Street Theology
poverty and floods
hurricanes and oil spills
god hates new orleans

Boston, You’re My Home
Nice day at Fenway!
I love that dirty water
Go Red Sox, NOMAHHHHHH!

Where’s Its Leash?
30 and single
shut up about your kids
no, i bet they’re great

Friday, May 07, 2010

When furniture attacks....

Kally: ...oh god. to somewhere specific? is he going to couch surf?

me
:
couch surg

Kally
:
i only ask because my brother would definitely do that

me
:
-g
+f
OH MY GOD RUNNNNN!

Kally: is he going to surf on our couch?

me: THE COUCHES ARE SURGING!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Kally:
IT'S A BLITZ!!!
(alolling.)