Monday, January 25, 2010

That's not a euphemism

Kally: my chipotle boyfriend is unhinged.
me: ...
<--not shocked
he's set himself up in a relationship based on unrequited love
and he brings free burritos to the table
he literally brings burritos to your table
Kally: hahahahahahahahaha

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Jabba the Fucking Hutt

Apparently Kally didn't know that I know things about Star Wars. To be fair, I've only seen 2/6 of the movies (Episodes IV, I). I have many common references/terms related to Star Wars though. For example, I refer to Central Square as Mos Eisley since "[y]ou will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." When morbidly obese people take up more than their one allotted seat on the subway, that is known as "Jabbaing" onto me or my seat.
Below is a conversation we had this morning....

i didn't sleep well last night, so i admit i'm pretty cranky but i almost stabbed 3 people on the train today

Kally: for any particular reason? or just cause?

me: oh they know what they did

Kally: let's be honest, tim. they probably don't.

me: one lady was taking up 1.5 seats on the train and refused to make an effort to not be morbidly obese another guy in front of me was goosestepping while walking thru the station and up the stairs so he almost punched me in the face every time with every stride he took

not that i'm excusing the offense or anything, but it takes a bit of time and
concentration to become not morbidly obese. probably more than a train-ride. his offense was being a nazi. got it.

me: yeah, probably, but she didn't even TRY

being a nazi is a stabbable offense, i feel. and if you stabbed the morbidly obese woman, you would have just lost your knife.

me: true but she prolly would have lost some weight since it would just ooze out unless it's like a can of juicy juice and you need to pop open another part to have the air pressure push it out
unlucky for her i'm a scientist...lucky for her, i didn't have a fat opener

Kally: can you imagine the noise? not the popping noise, i don't even want to think about that.
but the deflating balloon noise. just a big, long, continuous fart noise.
for your sake, i hope she doesn't go flying around the train as she deflates...
except that if she did, you'd get a seat.

me: it'd sound like a whoopie cushion

Kally: a really soggy whoopie cushion...a whoopie cushion filled with fat.

a whoopie cushion mixed with the sound of the gore bag from my video game [Ed. note: Fallout 3]

Kally: ew. EW. that is not ok.

me: tell her to stop being jabba the fucking hutt with my subway seat

Friday, January 15, 2010

Course Evaluations

We got our course eval's from last semester today. I, personally, did well on mine, but the class as a whole got reamed.
Here's a snippet of some responses:

which is just gross
"Few people know Newton's fourth law: that physics sucks. This course made an admirable attempt to make physics not suck, but this cannot be done as it would violate the laws of physics. They did come close to disproving Newton's fourth law, but then the final happened. Now every time I see a spring I cringe in horror and flee the premises (I used to love springs because they are so bouncy. But now they have periods and stuff which is just gross) PS. Even if you tend to do well in science classes don't take this course lightly. It takes work."

That's what we strive for. Not being the worst.
"Lots of work, must put in a good amount of effort, but not the worst pre-med class ever."

No comment
"Pain in the ass, but it's filled with dumbass premeds so it's better than 11a."

Tim's helpful and all, but in small doses.
"Labs can be pretty bad but Tim is really helpful, and at least they're not every week."

I knew that section on gay energy surfaces was a little much
"Its not just straight physics, which I might actually have preferred."

"It's a good course, but can get a little difficult towards the end. "

And I'm afraid that you're now a little bit closer to being a doctor
"DON'T TAKE THIS COURSE if you're not PreMed and fearful of taking Physics 11. I mean it was painful. Truly a painful experience for me. In other words I was only able to get through it by reminding myself that this is just something ridiculous that admissions offices are requiring me to do for medical school and that by doing this I'm a little bit closer to being a doctor."

(A) I think you mean "disincentivizes" if you're going to use made-up business slang and (B) wait, what?
"Also the grading scheme (uncurved) disincentives striving for an A which is messed up."

Ahhhhhh...why I don't go to the doctor...ever.

Monday, January 11, 2010

What is going on today?!

I hurt my foot last week clue. Just started gradually hurt more and more all of last week until it became almost unbearable to put pressure on it. It was a little better this morning...which makes sense because I planned on going to the doctor about it, so of course it doesn't hurt as much...of course.
I walked (read: hobbled) over to the infirmary to make an appointment at 1P. The receptionist asks if i'd like an appointment at 4P or wait to see the triage nurse. I say, 4P. She overrides my vote and says that there's only 1 person ahead of me and I should wait for the triage nurse. I sheepishly acquiesce and sit down. About 10 minutes later, my name's called and the nurse asks why I'm there. I describe my pain and start to undo my boot...when she stops me and says "You don't need to do that." ... Come again? (TWSS) You're a asked me what's wrong...and you don't want to see it? (TWSS...NO TIME, NO TIME!) She took my blood pressure and temperature, apparently necessary for foot pain, and sent me back out in the waiting room and said I should expect to see someone at 15oP...i.e., 35 minutes. How stupid of me to have forgotten the pre-nurse portion of the medical experience.
So 150ish rolls around, get called in. He actually takes a look at my foot, which was reassuring. What made the situation hilarious was having my boot/sock off and he had my foot in his lap
and was rubbing it with his finger/thumb to feel where something was wrong. If someone had walked in, all they would have seen is me getting an awkward foot massage while he was trying to get to know me a little better by talking about my job. Super.
Long story short, there's no reason my foot should hurt and there's not a whole lot to do about it, which I knew/expected.
On top of this, Sarah Palin got a television deal, Mark McGwire admitted to steroid use, Simon Cowell is quitting American Idol, and for some reason Jay Leno is getting his time slot back. I hope Conan fucks NBC over so hard they can't walk for days. That's what she said, indeed.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010 there's that

I used extremely broken Spanish to direct a woman to Walgreens this morning. Was walking to the T and she said, “Excuse me….Walgreens?”…in English. A perfectly fine English sentence. So I explained to her that it’s just down the street on the left (we were in front of the fire station at Centre and Jackson). She then said, in English, “I don’t speak English”. Which is true, except for the 2 sentences she’s apparently memorized. I’ll grant you “I don’t speak English” is a useful one, but she’s not going to get much life out of “Excuse me….Walgreens”, well…unless she has constant medical problems and then “excuse me…hospital” might be more useful.

The one positive out of that exchange is that I relearned the word for “traffic signal”—semaforo. So there’s that.