Friday, October 01, 2010

Bring in the Snark (or Bringin da Snark...WORDPLAY!)

Dear pretty girl walking to the T in front of me in Somerville today,

I know you've been waiting until October 1st to wear that pumpkin-colored blouse you bought way back in April. And I commend you for pairing it with a smart, pinstriped black slack for work today. Here's the middle of the compliment sandwich: your turquoise flip-flops and copy of Atlas Shrugged. Allow me to deal with these in bullet-point form, similar to an "action item list" or whatever jargon-based "To Do List" your self-important company chooses to use (which is most likely in finance...offffff course):

a) It's supposed to pour today...all day...nonstop. You'll find that your rubber-based, open-toed choice of footwear will equal EPIC FAIL later on.

b) No one's buying it. People don't read Atlas Shrugged on a subway. People show other people that they are reading Atlas Shrugged on a subway. Unless you're some Tea Party nutbag or your last name is actually Galt or Rand or Beck, perhaps you'll enjoy Nicholas Sparks' latest yarn about two people who fall in love when they're little, are separated for most of their adult lives, and then come back together, fall in love, and one of them dies in a plane crash into the ocean being eaten by sharks....but sharks that are in love.

c) You are exactly what is destroying America. Please stop. For all of us.

Sincerely
-Tim

PS: Compliment sandwich, right. You walked quickly on the sidewalk, and I appreciate that. Although, you shouldn't be rewarded for doing what you're fucking supposed to be doing, so...backhanded compliment sandwich. BAAAAAAAAAAAANG!